Saturday, February 12, 2011

Uncorked Series –- All-Night White

Note that this is the first time Mike is assisting with an actual blog post.  You are all duly warned.  Read at your own risk.

Welcome to Mike and Jennie present: UNCORKED AND ALL CRUNKED!

Mike (narrating in a faux radio voice)

You're poor.  You're beyond broke. You need to get drunk and do it cheap. Beer is expensive and the swill you can afford tastes like the bad side of a baboon's red a*s. You need ... WINE. But you can only get a 750mL bottle for under 13 dollars. 

To avoid getting cheap wine that's just as bad as red baboon a*s, we are going to help you avoid stage fright when sitting in that most wonderful aisle at the grocery store (or cheap booze joint) where all the glorious fermented grape juice sits. Waiting for you to come and drink yourself out of all the poor, broke unhappiness you find yourself sitting in the grocery store (or cheap booze joint) because of. 

Well that was special.  If you got lost in all that rambling, here's the low down – we're going to review wines on the cheap.  All under $15, we're going to prove that you can enjoy well-crafted wines without breaking the bank.

Wine #1
All-Night White by Jasper Winery (Des Moines, IA)

"Made from the Niagara variety, this white wine is soft and sweet with flavors of freshly picked grapes and honeysuckle."
$9.99 at HyVee

Mike's review
Well. This stuff was alright. Not great, not bad. You see, I am a Riesling freak.  Nothing will ever beat a bottle of Relax and a monster stogy after eating too much steak and hanging around heckling the moron Iowa students that live in our complex. 

Needless to say, this was a great way to spend 10 bux. "Flavors of freshly picked grapes and honeysuckle"? How about a kickass glass of dry dessert wine that has notes of AWESOME. Really, the last sweet wine I used to drink was a Moscato D'Asti, and that was something gross enough to put on Cap'n Crunch for breakfast. 

This is not something you will put on cereal. This is not something you will drink for breakfast, unless you have a problem. This is something you will sip on after eating oven roasted pork chops and mashed yams with brown sugar while heckling moron Iowa students on the porch. Yes, as you may have noticed, I repeat things. Jennie has also pointed that out to me. But, after reading this review, you will also determine that this wine is EXCELLENT for not only heckling moron Iowa students, but any moron college student you may have in your proximity. I give this wine 3 belches out of 5.  

Jennie's review
Whereas Mike likes a dry wine, I'm a dessert wine girl.  So finding a wine that both of us can enjoy is a bit of a challenge.  This wine caught our attention because it's an Iowan wine.  I like the idea of spending my limited amount of money on something that will benefit people in the state.

This wine was decent.  It says it's a "sweet white table wine," but there can be a difference between sweet table and dessert wine.  It wasn't sweet enough for me to go more than 1 glass in a sitting, but it was nice to sip on while watching Food Network on a Friday night.  The second night we paired it with pork chops, which brought out a more acidic profile.  I'm not too sure about the honeysuckle part.  I'm familiar with honeysuckle in a Bath and Body Works kind of context, but this definitely had "floral notes," to use the lingo.  I give this wine 3 corks out of 5. 

*MIKE'S FULL DISCLOSURE - So, we don't ACTUALLY have a porch that faces the dumb college students that live here. As Jennie has so graciously pointed out, it is also February and the patio we do have is covered in 2 feet of snow. But if it wasn't February and if we did have a porch that faced the dumb Iowa students here, they would totally get heckled for being idiots while I was getting crunked up on this wine.

To view more wines by Jasper Winery, check out


  1. Thanks for the heads up. I may be moved to actually try a white wine from Iowa.

    Also? roflmsao

  2. No prob! Hopefully we have some other wines more up your alley. What do you like?