Best Books I Read in 2012

Despite one of the busiest years in recent memories, I'm surprised by how many books I conquered in the last twelve months.  My reading schedule was sporadic at best, but I managed to cover a wide variety of genres and authors.  I utterly botched my goal of doing a blog review for each one, but here's an overview of my book shelf from 2012.

Top Picks

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson (crime thriller)

Have been egged on for years that I should read this and finally did.  What was I waiting for?!?!  Decimated a whole weekend with this companion.  I can't find a single thing wrong with it - if you love crime fiction, you need to read this immediately.  Don't let people say the first 100 pages are boring - they don't know what patience is.   

Have prudently put off buying the other two books in the trilogy, for the temptation to consume them in one sitting would be far too great.  Am eying upcoming weekends for clearance though, lol.   

The Snowman by Jo Nesbø (crime thriller) 

Apparently the new crime writers are all from Scandinavian countries.  Wow, I honestly have all praise for this Norwegian mystery.  This is the 7th installment of a 9-book series, but detective Harry Hole is immediately accessible and fascinating.

If you like books about gruff detectives and clever serial killers, and descriptive violence doesn't put you off, you'll enjoy curling up on your couch with this one.  But maybe with the lights on.  Can't wait to explore the rest of the series. 
 
The Hunger Games trilogy by Suzanne Collins (YA dystopian fiction) 

I went directly from the movie theater to pick up the first book in the afternoon and finished it later at 2am.  I really wish these books had been around when I was a kid - I would have been all over them.  Easy reads geared at middle-schoolers, but nonetheless entertaining and raise some interesting issues about our future.  Eagerly waiting for the second movie to come out this spring!  

Different Seasons by Stephen King (short stories)

Several years ago, I read "Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption" because I always loved the movie, but for some reason, I never explored the other three tales until now.

"The Body" you're probably familiar with because of the movie Standby Me - it was comfy enough coming-of-age tale. "The Breathing Method" has the same groove as telling good ghost stories around a campfire.

But I was absolutely gripped by "The Apt Pupil."  A young kid discovers a hidden Nazi in his small town - the story descends from there.  At every turn, your mind keeps asking, "is he really going there???"  King knows how to spin a yarn that immediately sinks its hooks into you without letting go.  Twisted plots, characters of dubious intention, a touch of the paranormal: you. just. can't. put. the. damn. book. down.  

Full Dark, No Stars  by Stephen King (short stories)

As much as I enjoyed Different Seasons, you can tell King has come a long way since 1982.  His latest collection of short stories covers his usual gamut of the terrible, supernatural, and the downright disturbing. But if you like gothic fiction, that's exactly what you crave from King.  

I was completely captivated by each story and while I read this while traveling, it's no airplane read.  I wish more (mainstream) authors would explore short stories and novellas, or maybe they just know that King would blow all of them out of the water. 


The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot (true story)
  
Amazing story right here - found it while looking for popular books to feature in a literature class this summer.  Chronicles how one woman's cancer cells, taken unknowingly, have led to as many medical breakthroughs as they raise ethical issues about patient consent.  Not usually partial to nonfiction, but this reads like an episode of CSI or Criminal Minds.

 
Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell (cultural/sociology)

Another book introduced to me at work.  This is a fantastic read and really generates a lot of discussion - highly recommend to anyone.  Definitely need to check out his other books. 

Honorable Mentions

Garment of Shadows by Laurie R. King (detective fiction)

The twelfth edition in her Mary Russell series, this book was on target - I was neither delighted nor disappointed.  This is hands down my favorite book series (continuation of Sherlock Holmes but from his new partner Mary's point of view), but the last few editions haven't captivated my attention.  

I can see perfectly what the author is doing - playing around with the narrative and format to bring new options to readers.  They just don't have me on the edge of my seat like some earlier ones.  But that's ok - I'll gladly spend an afternoon with Ms. Russell and I impatiently wait to read her next adventure.  

 
The Help by Kathryn Stockett (fiction)

This book is much richer than the movie (no surprise).  It was a pretty decent read, though it's not one that I would return to again and again.  When you hear the book described - a fictional story about black maids in the 60s as told by a modern white woman - it's easy to misjudge it completely.  Read it first and then form an opinion.  


  
 
50 Shades of Grey by E.L. James (erotica, barely)

Yeah yeah, I hopped on the bandwagon.  Remember that my husband was away for most of this year ... eh hem.  Did I read the whole thing?  Yes.  Did it maybe aid with some stress relief?  <cough>  Was I motivated to read the other books?  No.  There's better stuff out there, just saying.  


 
 

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury (dystopian sci-fi)

One of those mandatory English major novels that I'm embarrassed I've never read (to be fair, it was never assigned).  Overall ok, not my favorite, but certainly glad I read it because the story is much deeper than the snippets of cultural references you get.



The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business by Charles Duhigg / The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do to Get More of It by Kelly McGonigal (sociological, self-help) 

Both books offer intriguing insights about what motivates us and how we get stuck in a groove.  Both are worth a read (though I liked McGonigal's book better) - really helps you start looking at your own unique habits to see which ones are helping you and which ones need to be redirected.  There's no secret to making or undoing habits - it's trial and error - but you have to be aware of what your habits are in the first place to make any changes.  

Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir by Jenny Lawson

 

Recommended by a friend, this is one of the weirdest books I've ever read.  Jenny Lawson is now a famous blogger, but her childhood and early marriage are one long potty joke.  Seriously, this book will crack you up as it explores the unusual twists and turns of Lawson's mind.  Only recommend if you can handle heavy doses of gross, swearing, disturbing, and hilarious.  

 

 A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle (YA sci-fi)

I read it because my work book club picked fantasy and I wanted to revisit this because I never really understood it as a kid.  I still didn't like it.




A Discovery of Witches / Shadow of Night by Deborah Harkness (magical fiction)

Whereas I absolutely adored the first book, the second book was almost a complete miss for me.  Was it the 16th century setting that put me off because it's not an era I'm fond of or familiar with?  Might the explosion of characters and historical references been hard to keep track of?  Could my expectations have been misled, as the first book had more DaVinci Code-esque pacing whereas the second was pretty static? 

I wait patiently for the third installment.  I do want to know where the story goes and how it might possibly wrap up, but if I have to slog through another 600-pages of blah, I will be sad indeed.  

What were your top reads last year?

31 Days of Things I Don't Need

Let's clear the air - Christmas is one of my least favorite times of the year.  Says the gal who writes this post well into the comfort of January.  

It's not the pretty lights, family obligations, holiday parties, or even the music that bothers me.  It's how gift giving has been hijacked.  It's become obligatory, demanded, and expected on a large scale.

It baffles me that people will complain about their mortgages and debts as they spend hundreds of dollars each Christmas on stuff that doesn't have any real meaning in their lives.  Even those who shout out guilt trips about "the real meaning of the season" still have lengthy shopping lists and rush around the malls with credit cards in hand like everyone else.

So to protest the consumerism that is so obnoxious during December, I decided to challenge myself to post a daily Facebook status about something that I didn't need.  I took a note from the folks who do this in Thanksgiving with things that they're thankful for.   

Here's what I came up with (with a slight cheat because we were on vacation for a week):    

Dec 1 - I don't need a house. Our condo is comfy and fits our lifestyle and budget. In fact, it's due for some deep cleaning and trips to Goodwill! One day, it would be nice to own a small home, but right now, I'm happy that we have a nice place to live that we can afford each month.

I often question whether home ownership should be pushed as much as it is. I am quite comfortable renting and we have currently have all the space we truly need. And while dreams of a cute cottage or Craftsmen bungalow with a German Shepherd puppy dance in our heads, it won't be in the financial cards for another 5-10 years.

My dream home - small and cozy.  Certainly not a McMansion.

Dec 2 - I don't need a brand new car. I'd only buy one for longevity and fuel efficiency, not because it's the latest design model. My car is from 2005 and our 1998 truck will eventually be replaced with something gently used. And I'd much rather go to a car show and oogle the classics.

Dec 3 - I don't need designer or trendy clothing. While I'm currently in the works of refining my professional wardrobe, I don't give a hoot about labels. If it fits, has a classic look that won't go out of style quickly, and I can feel that the fabric is durable, then it's a good potential for my closet.

Dec 4 - I don't need television/cable. Dumped it four years ago and haven't regretted it. It's certainly not a need and I don't want a stream of tempting yet unfulfilling entertainment. Admittedly, we use Netflix and Hulu to access Mad Men, The Cosby Show, and Scrubs, but it's very selective and not even on a weekly basis.

Beside, books are a better way to spend an evening.

Dec 5 - I don't need paper towels or napkins. We have cloth napkins and a bin of old rags for cat messes and the occasional kitchen snafu. I don't know how we as a society got convinced that disposable paper products are better than ones you simply rewash and use again. 

Dec 6 - I don't need a data plan on my phone. As an editor and teacher, I'm already tethered to a computer. Having 24/7 online access will not make me a better worker (though I know for some careers it certainly is a leg up, just not for me). I don't want to shell out the extra money for data either. 

Dec 7 - I don't need expensive jewelry. I like sparklies and they are useful for sprucing up your professional look, but I don't need precious metals or stones to do so - stuff that costs hundreds of dollars and may be extracted from the earth in inappropriate ways.

Between her and Elizabeth Taylor ...

Dec 8 - I don't need a tablet. I would only get one if it replaced our desktop or I thought it was a tool that made me at better at work. I know they're wonderful and you can do so much on them, but I just don't need one at this point.
 

Dec 9 - I don't need an e-reader. Think they're great, believe they're actually beneficial to people reading, and like the access they can provide. But I don't need one. I need the library.

Dec 10 - I don't need a motorcycle.  Sure as heck *want* one though.  But presently, I have a way to get back and forth from work and run errands.  No need to add another set of wheels to insure.

Dec 11 - I don't need vacation toys like an RV or a boat. They are totally fun and I love boating on the Mississippi with friends who own a modest vessel, but I don't need these in my life. Though I do like the idea of being a retired hippie and cruising around the country in an RV packed with corgis ...

Dec 12: this is a personal one, but I don't need a PhD. I once thought I did, but have since come to terms with how priorities change. I chose a steady paycheck and health insurance over the gamble of a doctoral program. I love that I can now have the best of both worlds working at the magazine and adjuncting when I choose (even though it can be a little busy at times)

Dec 13 - I don't need plastic surgery and frankly, unless you have something truly disfiguring, I don't think you need it either. Modifying your body is a want, most definitely not a need (unless you're fixing a cleft palate and stuff like that, of course).

Dec 14 - I don't need makeup. Never really understood the point and I worry about the gals who think they can't go without it. The only time you'll catch me in makeup is at a wedding. Other than that, people just need to deal with the natural state of my face. Besides, the words and ideas coming out of my head are more important than the length of my eyelashes. 

Dec 15 - I don't need Facebook. In fact, I just asked our IT to block it on my work computer. Another editor handles our social media so there's no reason for me to touch it. This site isn't going to help me get a promotion, meet a deadline, or be a better editor. 

Dec 16 - I don't need an expensive computer. Our home computer is several years old and works just fine for email, movie streaming, and social media. When it goes kaput, we'll replace it with another basic model (and e-cycle the old one). Was never a person who wanted the latest gadget or dohickus every year. 

Dec 17 - I don't need a big TV (or multiple sets, for that matter).  Our TV set is several years old, only 30 inches, and was snagged at a garage sale by a thrifty friend.  I've never spent my tax return on a TV nor owned a flat screen.  Because we love movies so much, I'd like to get a projector and turn a wall into a home theater.  But those are pricy and the only way I could justify it is if we never bought a TV again.  For now, our gently used set makes our living room quite cozy. 

Not that I would turn down anyone who invited me over to theirs ...

Dec 18 - I don't need a huge salary.  I can't imagine what it would be like to make 35 or 40 grand, much less anything higher.  I need just enough money to drive down my student loans, properly fund my 401k, and have enough leftover to take an adequate vacation every year.  Hopefully I'll be able to achieve that in the next few years.   

Dec 19 - I don't need fast food.  I grew up in an economically sensitive family and McDonalds, KFC, and Wendy's were legitimate treats used as rewards.  It's taken some time for me to reroute my thinking but in recent years, the appeal has waned to almost nothing.  Casey's pizza is another thing though, lol.  But I do feel for the people who live in urban food deserts or who struggle to the point that a Happy Meal is all they can afford to feed their kids.  

Dec 20 - I don't need Christmas presents.  Seriously, I wish that people would donate their money to charity instead of getting me a gift during the holidays.   We don't have a lot of spare change to donate, so helping us out on the "goodwill toward humankind" front is actually incredibly thoughtful for us. 

Dec 21-31 - I don't need new furniture, a smartphone, MP3 player,  camera, video games, fancy kitchen gadgets, manicures/pedicures, premium alcohol, purses, perfume, or shoes.

There is only one Scrooge ...

Lest you think I'm an utter Scrooge during the holidays, rest assure that I still think gift giving has its place.  Unfortunately, you have to make a real effort to cut out the noise and focus on giving with meaning.

Want to know how we kept our budget in check for Christmas this year?  Tune back after the weekend - we're headed up to see our families now and I can't spoil any surprises! 


What are things that you don't need?

Reflections on 2012

Happy 2013!

If my Facebook feed is any indication, it seems like 2012 was a polarizing time.  Some folks had a great year while others are sighing in relief that the last twelve months are over.  It seems like no matter what, everyone experienced a lot of change.

For me, 2012 was a trying year, one that threw many challenges my way.  I'd like to say that I handled them all with grace and came out relatively unscathed, but that's not true.  2012 was the year of never-ending frustrations and it wore me down. 

Right before last Christmas, I found out I had a Vitamin D deficiency and learned my body could no longer tolerate birth control pills.  I then rang in the New Year with a trip to the ER.  Early in spring, Mike deployed overseas and both of us went through one of the hardest deployments in our relationship.  The last few months have brought a complete diet switch for me, a terse and negative election season, a friendship that painfully deteriorated out of the blue, and a very full schedule between work and teaching. 

Over our Christmas vacation to Jamaica (details forthcoming!), I had time to ponder this past year and what lies ahead.  It's been a thought at the back of my head for some time, but I've realized that I'm not satisfied with some key aspects of my life, mainly in the area of work-life balance.  With my tolerance for stress and frustration waning, 2013 needs to be different.

I'm still working out the details.  I have some self-reflection ahead to make vague feelings into coherent thoughts and then turn those into actionable plans.

I don't have concrete New Year's resolutions but vague goals.  I want to:

Be physically healthier
Have more satisfaction at work
Continue with financial watchfulness
Make rest-and-relaxation a habit

What are you hoping for in 2013?      

Let's Play Catch Up

I bet you're ready for an update, yes?  I don't think there's been any question that the last half of 2012 has been a blur on the Morton-Wood crazy train.  

Mike's Homecoming

The cats were absolutely thrilled when Mike swapped the 100-degree temperatures of the Middle East for the balmy weather of Iowa.  Several weeks of sleeping in, eating food that isn't reconstituted, and an influx of relaxation time has acclimated this wacky vet to our time zone.  

Mike's next plan is to recommence classes in January and obtain a job, both to keep his time occupied and our finances in good shape.
 
Teaching Demands

Right as Mike got home, I started two classes back in Waterloo.  Now I've done two classes at a time before, but I split them between Cedar Rapids and Waterloo.  I can't say that I regret driving 60 miles away two nights a week, but I have learned that I should avoid such an arrangement in the future.  There's something about that extra two-hour roundtrip that throws off my schedule.

Right now I'm teaching my standard film class and the new-to-me public speaking.  It's only the second time I've taught oral communications and my class is 3x larger than the first round (ok, increase of 6 to 22 students, but still ...).  I'm starting to get a real feel for the class and have gained considerable confidence since this summer.  But it's nonetheless a huge amount of work because it's still experimental for me.  And, much like a writing course, public speaking is a heavy work load between activities and grading. 

I also got offered a temporary editing gig with my university.  All students have to write a 15+ page paper to graduate. Beyond their subject area teacher, another faculty member offers feedback and edits - that's me.  I only had a handful of papers to edit, but they were drafts by students, not finished articles from my magazine colleagues, and accordingly took a lot of time to comb through.  A fantastic challenge for my editing skills though!  

Sometimes I wonder why I teach so much though.  This year I've taught 5 courses (one more than I usually have) and 2 were for the first time.  I suppose it's a teacher sin to say you do it for the money, but let's be honest about adjuncting - like any job, it's to pay the bills.  I love teaching; believe me, I'm very passionate about exposing my students to new ideas.  I just so happen to need an income boost that adjuncting can support - I don't think admitting that devalues what I do in the classroom.

Finances
Mike's deployment income has finally wound up.  With some vigilance, we were able to accomplish the following with our windfall: 

• I can proudly say that we have ZERO credit card debt!  Not a penny is owed to any financial institutional (beyond loans, of course).  That's $7,000 that is no longer hanging over our heads or collecting interest.
• We paid off our family debt. 'Nuff said. 
• Our Jamaica vacation of $4,700 was paid for out of pocket.
• Using my teaching income, we have rent secured through April 2013.
• Our savings account is the healthiest it's ever been 

I always do a double take when I log into online banking.  Originally we were going to pay off a $9,000 car loan.  But we got to talking about the future and how we're now back to a single-income family.  We agreed we would feel more comfortable stashing that money away while Mike looked for jobs.  Financial advice recommends that you have 3-6 months of expenses available for emergency savings - we're more than covered now.   

I have never had that much money in savings in my life and it frankly scares me.  At least we're both good about keeping money locked up - no crazy plans to buy gizmos and gadget we don't need.  We do know that our 1998 truck will likely need to be replaced in the next 12 months.  Good motivation to leave those funds where they are.  

Salary Increases
Part of that drive comes from our 2013 financial outlook.  I recently earned a cost-of-living pay raise at work amounting to 2%.  While appreciated, an extra $80 a month is nothing to sneeze at.  Sure, that represents two tanks of gas or a workable amount of groceries, but nothing more.

Instead, I'm going to finally open a 401k.  I won't miss that money and it will at least be a start to retirement savings.  Would love to contribute more, but we just aren't there yet.  Can't be taking away from the utility bill to fund the future.  Just need to keep working on reducing our other expenses so I can eventually put in more. 

What's going on with you?
  

A Bad Day for Iowa

My post today has nothing to do with financial advice or tips to improve your life.  It has everything to do with two children who can no longer ride their bikes, go to school, be with their families, or grow into adults.

Earlier this summer, two cousins went missing in Evansdale, IA.  Today, it was confirmed that their remains were found in nearby woods. 

It's not every day that murder rocks your community.  At least not in Iowa.  And most definitely not to children so young (8 and 10).

It's weird to be in Cedar Rapids, 60 miles away, and feel the sadness of this situation.  But I lived in Cedar Falls/Waterloo for 8 years and Evansdale practically merges into Waterloo.  All three cities are in Black Hawk County, a place I called home for a long time. 

My connection to the area is still deep and I return routinely to meet with old friends.  I still teach in Waterloo and my students are all locals.  I can't count how many times I drive past Evansdale on Hwy 20 in a given year. 

I was in Waterloo this summer when this all started.  My students and I talked about it - there was a huge sense of community.  People were concerned, wanted to help.  One of my students was an officer with the Evansdale Police Department.  Naturally they couldn't say anything, but it was clear long nights were being logged. 

The search for the girls remained strong as the weeks marched on.  Fliers are posted at every gas station and grocery store I frequent, even in Cedar Rapids.  Awareness for the case has been everywhere.     

I was in Waterloo last night when the first press conference announced the find.  And  I sit here now, from the safety of my desk, thinking about this morning's confirmation.

I can't shake this intangible feeling I have today.  Is it shock?  Is it a mixture of sadness and anger?  A taste of grief?  I can't tell.  This is the first time I've had even a remote connection with a tragedy like this.  All I can tell is that when something like this happens in your town, the reverberations are profound. 

This isn't a crime happening in a big city far away.  You're not blaming the victims for doing something that led to their demise.  It's not a stranger's kids, someone else's family.  
   
A community coming together in unity often generates a sense of ownership.  Those are our girls.  And this is what makes everything about this situation feel personal.    

The scarier thought is who is responsible and why?  If there's a concrete suspect, the police haven't said anything and the tip lines are still open.  You shudder to think that someone in your community could have done the deed (assuming it's someone local).  That someone who you could have seen at the grocery store, walked past at the gas station, would do something so terrible. 

It's easy to read a detective novel or watch a crime movie and never feel a connection with the victims - they're just a plot element.  You focus on the police officer, the private investigative, the inner workings of a killer's mind in those stories.

But this isn't a story.  These victims are real.  Someone murdered two kids in a small town and no one knows why. 

I can't help but think how long those two were actually alive after they were kidnapped.  Did they suffer or was it over mercifully?  You don't want to think of the horror anyone, much less children, much less young girls, could experience in a situation like this.  My mind nonetheless is nawing on those possbilities.

Until the full details come to light, it is a crime of randomness.  No obvious rhythm or reason.  Just bad luck, to put it plainly.   I suppose that's what hits people the hardest - there's nothing and no one to blame.  All these negative emotions and no one to take them out on.    

There's no moral of the story here.   No safety tips or preventive measure to pass on.  Only a profound sense of disgust that the lives of two kids were deliberately stolen.       

Voter Regret in 2012

Just momentarily, I'm renaming this blog "When Every Voter Counts." We'll be back to our regularly scheduled programming shortly :)

Up until this week, I hated politics. The political atmosphere of my childhood was so monolithic that everyone assumed they were all on the same page. In other words, it really wasn't discussed. At least not in front of the youngins.

College was fraught with the politics of student organizations, university decisions, interpersonal communication, and teacher-student discourse. Alcohol, pop culture, sex, music, movies, and art were also discussed at length.

I'm sure I had and have friends who are very politically active, but I never sought out those conversations. As a chronic nice person, I didn't want to be amid heated discussions where passion is hard to distinguish from disrespect and my lack of political knowledge could be ridiculed.

Don't get me wrong - I voted the minute I could. I have voted in three presidential elections and two for state officials. I know my voice counts and it's my right and duty to make sure it's heard, even if filling in bubble sheets is my only active and public contribution.

But the last decade of my life has been spent becoming progressively more glum about this country. A striking contrast to every other part of my life, I am jaded.

I have a rather pessimistic view of the current state of affairs and where we are headed. I'm a registered independent and no matter whether I like one party's talking points over another, I feel our political system is broke. I want to believe it serves the people and I want to have hope that things will get better. But the evidence accumulated in my relatively short life isn't very encouraging.

That changed this week. Because of my bleak viewpoint, I had a major crisis of conscious when it came to voting. I was terribly worried about the repercussions of my vote, about what kind of national atmosphere it would be contributing to. I was torn between voting for the guy I wanted in (and knew was likely to win) and a third-party candidate who best represented how I would like to see this country shift.

I stared at the ballot for 5 minutes. I filled in my scantron sheet and dropped it into the machine. It didn't feel good.

Instead of the relief from voting being over, I felt ashamed. Mad at myself that I hadn't been better informed about my full range of choices. Embarrassed I'd only looked up who the independent options were hours before hitting the polls. Exhausted by being one of those "treacherous" undecided voters even when I had a ballot in front of me. Angry that my indecision was largely from feeling the weight of a depressed economy and clipped future resting on my shoulders.

That's not who I am.

Watching Obama's victory speech was uplifting. Seeing the number of women, minorities, and gays elected to office was inspiring. Hearing about the percentage of those same groups, including my age bracket, who showed up to the polls did my heart good. The old establishment, which rarely gives two pence about my future, is visibly scared. I now see more of the America I live and know on a daily basis represented by those in office.

It's just the tide of change I needed to spurn my own change. Never again will I let myself be immobilized because I can't imagine a bright America for all again. I'll be damned if I fail myself again by not researching my candidate options until I feel my decision is sound and justified.

Politics is still scary. I probably won't talk to you about them in person unless I trust that you won't jump down my throat. I'll never be that person who relishes a flame war on Facebook.

But I will research, read, reflect, and engage in civil conversation. I will ask others to respectfully share their opinions, even if I know ahead of time that I will likely disagree. I will explore unfamilar or intimidating issues (foreign policy, anyone?) to better inform myself. I will make sure that my friends know that I won't dismiss them because our politics don't line up.

There's a lot of things our country needs right now. For my part, I'm going to do my best to inject some kindness in our political discussions.  Because people like you and me - who may be reserved, nice, and considerate - America needs us to stop the political bullying.   

What are you going to do?

Shit Civilians Say to Military Families Before a Homecoming

If you've been keeping track, you know that Mike's return is on the horizon.  While this is happy news, I've been stunned lately to discover how many people in my life have serious misconceptions about what a miliatry homecoming is like. 

Between photos of people joyously hugging and YouTube videos of kids being surprised by mom or dad in a classroom, it's really easy to think homecomings are nothing but warm fuzzies and tears.

It surprises people to hear that stress, nervousness, anxiety, and exhaustion are part of the mix too.  Folks have a certain idea about how you should be feeling leading up to a homecoming and they can be confused if your reaction doesn't fit their expectations.

So out of the mouths of (well-inintentioned) civilians comes the top 5 comments I looove getting at this stage of a deployment. 

1) You must be so excited!

Well yes, I am, but that's not the only emotion I'm experiencing.  In fact, I'm overwhelmed and could use a glass a wine, but that's not the answer you were expecting, was it? 

Understand that homecomings are stressful in a hundred different ways.  You're taking two people who've been living completely separate lives and throwing them back into the mix. 

It's unavoidable that the ones left beyond and the one returning will find themselves changed, both by the inevitable flow of life and by conditions produced by the deployment. 

Now add in kids who've grown (or been born), careers that have changed,  medical scares, family deaths, or any number of other events that could have happen. Stir and see if things gel together or boil over. 

 

 

Non-military folks find it hard to imagine that you could be anxious about seeing your special someone for the first time in months.  But butterflies in your stomach is completely normal, just as it is for first dates and kisses.

2) X months?  Wow, that flew by fast! 

Sure it did ... for you.  I really have to restrain myself when people say this.  What I want to scream is "You weren't in my shoes, you weren't living this every day.  Things were normal for you, not me."

3) At least you had Facebook / Skype / phone calls / email!   

Just because a communication channel exists, doesn't mean deployed folks can use them.  Anything from security measures, location, quality of the internet connection, schedules/time zones, and access to technology can prevent communication.  For this round, Mike and I essentially had email, with a facebook chat maybe once a month. 

I really loved the people who told me "you should be thankful it's not during WWII - you could only be getting a letter once every couple of months!"  

Really dude?  I'm sure that sucked 65 years ago and kudos to the ladies who braved it, but the last time I checked it was 2012 and people got to communicate in real time.  So. Not. Helpful.

4) I bet you can't wait to get laid!

I shouldn't have to dignify this one with a response, but I don't know how many people have recently made some innuendo with a wink. You'd think that reunited couples just strip each other on the tarmac and go to town! 

Sorry to disappoint, but stress, canned food, relentless work schedules, less than desirable sanitary conditions, and uncomfortable sleep arrangements for months on end can easily kill the libido. Sometimes a few down days (or weeks) are needed before you can hit the sheets. 

And some people, might I add, have some self-restaint.  You've already gone for so long without this aspect of your relationship, you can hold out a little longer. 
5) You must be glad it's over now!

This one bothers me the most.  Just because a person is physically back home doesn't mean things are over.  Reuniting a military family is a process.  You have to reestablish connections, get to know each other again, redefine what's normal.  There's a huge emotion component that has to be actively worked on and it takes time.  

Then there's the practical stuff.  While the returning person gets a break for a bit, work, family responsibilities, or classes will soon come calling.  The person holding down the fort often has no break since they want to shield their other half from reality for as long as possible. 

So what do you say?

I sense a few of you shifting uncomfortably in your seats thinking, "damn, I've totally said that before."  It's ok - we know you're not trying to be irritating <pats you on the head>

The best thing you can do is ask open-ended questions.  Realize that asking "are you excited?" implies that the person should be excited.  So if they're feeling overwhelmed instead, they might feel worse because they can't tell you they're over the moon yet. 

Simply ask "how are you feeling?" and listen.  The chance to really say how we're feeling is truly appreciated.  And we still promise to flood your facebook with happy hug pictures.

To those who hold the silent rank, keep on truckin'