Saying Goodbye to Size 14

Have you ever saved clothes that no longer fit?

Maybe it's your favorite pair of jeans from high school, a stunning dress prior to having kids, or a business suit you once rocked.  I would bet good money that most women (and maybe some men) have a stack of clothes they're hoping will fit again one day.

My pile has been added to since 2008 and while I remain hopeful about slimming down, I know it's going to take a while because I'm doing it the right way.  I'm going for a lifestyle makeover with steady exercise, tracking calories, and eating nutritionally dense foods.  Weight loss will be a pleasant side effect of my efforts to be healthy.

My stash of cute and professional but too small clothes has been wasting space in our closet for far too long.  It was once a smart idea to save money by having clothes on hand I could fit into at a smaller size instead of having to buy new ones.  But four years later, it seems a little silly and wasteful to have perfectly wearable clothes just sitting there unworn.

I spent a solid afternoon trying on clothes and really questioned if I would still like them if they ever fit again.  I found that my professional clothing tastes have shifted and what's considered dressy in academia is a touch different than in business.  I'm also guessing that no matter how much weight I hopefully lose, my boobs are here to stay so button-up shirts are a lost cause :) 

I emptied out that entire top bin as I wistfully ran through memories associated with my outfits.  The under-the-bed container still holds clothes I'm saving, but they are one size directly below what I wear now or are literally an inch or so from buttoning.  I admit, I kept one or two "reference" pants from smaller sizes so hopefully one day I can pump my fist in the air and say yes!

I had to smile when I weighed the bags out of curiosity - 40 pounds of clothes, about the amount of weight I should lose to be more fit.  The symbolism/irony wasn't lost.   

Instead of going the Goodwill route, I have a good friend on our editorial staff who became the recipient of my castoffs.  It's a super awesome solution because I get to see the fruits of coming to term with my size as she makes my former clothes look good around the office.
 
With my high school reunion coming up in a few months and aware that I am about 60 pounds heavier than in 2002, I've been thinking a lot about how women destructively define themselves by size.  

Have you ever noticed that women say they are a certain size, not wear?  That little shift in verbs associated size with identity.  I am a teacher, I am an editor, I am a size 18. 

I have sat around with too many of my girlfriends complaining about our size, how the fashion industry sizes clothing, and how much "happier" we were at a small size.

Ladies and gentlemen, put a sticky note on your bathroom mirror:

MY CLOTHING SIZE DOESN'T MAKE ME

(source)

I've decided that when people complain about their size, even if it's all negative, they are being vain and immature to focus on a random number designated by the fashion world.  For health reasons, sure, it's not a number you want to completely blow off, but when it comes to your self esteem, tell your size to go to hell.

We need to jettison this idea that S-XL has anything to do with who we are.

This attitude change about my size didn't happen over night.  It's the accumulation of years of being mean to myself.  I am exhausted by the negativity that I, not anyone else, associate with my body.  Yes girls, the fashion industry or media isn't to blame for your poor self-confidence (though they're not completely off the hook ... that's a post for another day).  

Who is it that makes you cry when you go clothes shopping?  Who is it that frowns when you look in the mirror?  Who is it that makes snide jokes about how you look?

I won't spell out the answer.  Self-confidence is a complex animal that's influenced by a million things.  Women should be empowering themselves about their bodies.  They need to say "fuck patriarchy, I am a sexy bitch" and let the other stuff go.  Because when we are so wrapped up in the reflection in the mirror, we're not any better than the wicked Queen from Snow White.

I was uploading my sister's graduating photos to Facebook last night and feeling hesitation.  You've probably noticed that I rarely ever post pictures of myself online.  That's a direct result of how I have felt embarrassed by how my body has morphed over the years.  

No longer.  I refuse to say and think mean and immature things about myself.  It takes a little effort still, but when I look at this picture I tell myself that I'm wearing a cute dress, that's a good color for me, I have an adorable hair cut, and the shape of the dress is flattering for my waist and hips.  I push these positive thoughts to the forefront of my mind so they eclipse anything negative I may say.  

 

It's totally obvious that I take after my dad's side of the family - German and Scottish heritage.  Unless you're Heidi Klum, these aren't countries noted for turning out good lookers.  I am round.  Even when I was at my thinnest, I had a round face.  This is how I look.  This is a reality that I must shape positively for myself. 

 

You wouldn't say a car's performance is shit just because it isn't painted the right color.  Your body is the vehicle you roll around in and yes, people do look at it.  But the performance is underneath the hood.   

 

Be a little easier on yourself.  Ok, a lot easier. 

 

Pep talk over.     

Inspirations for Body Confidence

As part of my efforts to perceive myself more positively, I am exploring my inspirations for body confidence.  Given my love of movies, I often turn to actresses as role models for empowerment, independence, and sensuality.  

Setting a feminist discussion aside on the impact of emphasizing and valuing women's bodies, the leading ladies I look up to are rare exceptions in Hollywood. They display healthy bodies (no sticks here!), routinely play roles about strong women, and take a public stance about their looks.

These women are gorgeous not because they conform to some standard of beauty, but because they radiate confidence and that is beautiful in any culture. 

Kate Winslet

First of all, ridiculously talented - love all of her movies.  Second of all, 5'6" and averages a size 8!  There shouldn't need to be an exclaimation point with that sentence, but Hollywood does love its waifs.  This woman glows with a confidence that a Keira Knightly-type must envy as she eats her one grape for the day.

Kate's been quite vocal over the years about her weight and giving the Establishment a very British middle finger about her curves.  Back in 2003, she raised hell with GQ magazine because they airbrushed her so ridiculously. 

Favorite quote: "I wanted women to be able to look at my character and say, 'Oh, that could be me.' Not perfect or starved or any of those things, but like someone who has had a child — and, once you've had children, your body changes forever. For good." 

Meryl Streep

This woman can do no wrong.  She is a living icon and classy through and through.

I love this photo of her.  She is the epitome of joyful.  Don't you just want to sit down with her and chat over a glass of wine?

This is a woman over 60 who has embraced her age to the fullest.  She was never a hot young thing on the red carpet - her first major role was close to 30!  Now she's off playing characters like Julia Childs, Margaret Thatcher, and still acting in rom-coms.  The Hours is one of my favorites.  

What I love about her is that through all of these years, she has kept the focus on her body of work, not her figure.  It's never about how she looks, but how she acts.

Favorite activism: campaigning for a National Women's History museum in D.C.   

Angelina Jolie

I've been a Jolie fan for years.  She is undoubtedly a star who's occasionally allowed to have good acting roles.  At least her movies have one thing in common: she always portrays a powerful woman. 

I admit that Angelina's become too thin as of recent, but who am I to criticize?  I admire that she has been fuller in the past, never been bashful about her sexuality, and she has always displayed self-assurance.

Perhaps that's why I chose this picture of her.  I love the one of the left.  There's something very powerful and intimate about that big smile with her eyes closed, like she's laughing at a joke.  

Favorite project: her first directorial debut, In the Land of Blood and Honey.  The story is set in war-torn Bosnia in the 90s.  Jolie had only Bosnians for the actors and ran the script by the Ministry of Culture.  I haven't seen the film (doubtful it will come to our area), but women directors are few and far between. 

Helen Mirren

Much like her younger counterpart in Kate, Dame Helen has a long history of playing interesting and brave roles.  Hollywood may have only discovered her recently, but she's no stranger to acting. 

Her performance in The Queen was riveting, her character is hilarious in Red and Calendar Girls is most excellent.  I haven't caught some of her recent movies, but I certainly want to check out The Debt, Love Ranch, The Tempest, and The Door (when it comes out).

Mirren may have been nominated for Body of the Year at age 66, but it's her intellgence that I admire.  A smart woman is sexy and this silver-haired lady is a minx.  I especially admire that she embraces her age and hasn't pursued the Fountain of Youth with Botox and surgery.

Favorite quote about being childless by choice: "It's not that I don't love children. They are funny, and I just love them, but I never wanted to have them. I really tried to want it at one point … I thought maybe I should. But I never convinced myself.  I think still it is very fine not to want children.  There are far too many people in the world.  It is my contribution to ecology."

Christina Hendricks

Admittedly, I've never watched a single episode of Mad Men.  But for the brief moments she appears in Life As We Know It and from what I can see of the trailer I Don't Know How She Does It (Christina being the only reason to see that movie), Hendricks is engaging all on her own.

Sure she's a throwback to a different era in Hollywood.  If you've ever seen her in lingerie (Google "Christina Hendricks" + "New York magazine cover"), you'll be be bowled over.  

But this is a woman who revels in being happy and healthy.  She's a big believer in exercise, vitamins, and everything in moderation.  She has a pretty groovy self-care routine of knitting, baths, and sleeping in.   

Favorite quote: "Be nice to yourself!  We all need to look in the mirror and see the things that are beautiful in ourselves, and to remind ourselves of what those things are." 

Who do you admire for their body confidence?