Saying Goodbye to Size 14

Have you ever saved clothes that no longer fit?

Maybe it's your favorite pair of jeans from high school, a stunning dress prior to having kids, or a business suit you once rocked.  I would bet good money that most women (and maybe some men) have a stack of clothes they're hoping will fit again one day.

My pile has been added to since 2008 and while I remain hopeful about slimming down, I know it's going to take a while because I'm doing it the right way.  I'm going for a lifestyle makeover with steady exercise, tracking calories, and eating nutritionally dense foods.  Weight loss will be a pleasant side effect of my efforts to be healthy.

My stash of cute and professional but too small clothes has been wasting space in our closet for far too long.  It was once a smart idea to save money by having clothes on hand I could fit into at a smaller size instead of having to buy new ones.  But four years later, it seems a little silly and wasteful to have perfectly wearable clothes just sitting there unworn.

I spent a solid afternoon trying on clothes and really questioned if I would still like them if they ever fit again.  I found that my professional clothing tastes have shifted and what's considered dressy in academia is a touch different than in business.  I'm also guessing that no matter how much weight I hopefully lose, my boobs are here to stay so button-up shirts are a lost cause :) 

I emptied out that entire top bin as I wistfully ran through memories associated with my outfits.  The under-the-bed container still holds clothes I'm saving, but they are one size directly below what I wear now or are literally an inch or so from buttoning.  I admit, I kept one or two "reference" pants from smaller sizes so hopefully one day I can pump my fist in the air and say yes!

I had to smile when I weighed the bags out of curiosity - 40 pounds of clothes, about the amount of weight I should lose to be more fit.  The symbolism/irony wasn't lost.   

Instead of going the Goodwill route, I have a good friend on our editorial staff who became the recipient of my castoffs.  It's a super awesome solution because I get to see the fruits of coming to term with my size as she makes my former clothes look good around the office.
 
With my high school reunion coming up in a few months and aware that I am about 60 pounds heavier than in 2002, I've been thinking a lot about how women destructively define themselves by size.  

Have you ever noticed that women say they are a certain size, not wear?  That little shift in verbs associated size with identity.  I am a teacher, I am an editor, I am a size 18. 

I have sat around with too many of my girlfriends complaining about our size, how the fashion industry sizes clothing, and how much "happier" we were at a small size.

Ladies and gentlemen, put a sticky note on your bathroom mirror:

MY CLOTHING SIZE DOESN'T MAKE ME

(source)

I've decided that when people complain about their size, even if it's all negative, they are being vain and immature to focus on a random number designated by the fashion world.  For health reasons, sure, it's not a number you want to completely blow off, but when it comes to your self esteem, tell your size to go to hell.

We need to jettison this idea that S-XL has anything to do with who we are.

This attitude change about my size didn't happen over night.  It's the accumulation of years of being mean to myself.  I am exhausted by the negativity that I, not anyone else, associate with my body.  Yes girls, the fashion industry or media isn't to blame for your poor self-confidence (though they're not completely off the hook ... that's a post for another day).  

Who is it that makes you cry when you go clothes shopping?  Who is it that frowns when you look in the mirror?  Who is it that makes snide jokes about how you look?

I won't spell out the answer.  Self-confidence is a complex animal that's influenced by a million things.  Women should be empowering themselves about their bodies.  They need to say "fuck patriarchy, I am a sexy bitch" and let the other stuff go.  Because when we are so wrapped up in the reflection in the mirror, we're not any better than the wicked Queen from Snow White.

I was uploading my sister's graduating photos to Facebook last night and feeling hesitation.  You've probably noticed that I rarely ever post pictures of myself online.  That's a direct result of how I have felt embarrassed by how my body has morphed over the years.  

No longer.  I refuse to say and think mean and immature things about myself.  It takes a little effort still, but when I look at this picture I tell myself that I'm wearing a cute dress, that's a good color for me, I have an adorable hair cut, and the shape of the dress is flattering for my waist and hips.  I push these positive thoughts to the forefront of my mind so they eclipse anything negative I may say.  

 

It's totally obvious that I take after my dad's side of the family - German and Scottish heritage.  Unless you're Heidi Klum, these aren't countries noted for turning out good lookers.  I am round.  Even when I was at my thinnest, I had a round face.  This is how I look.  This is a reality that I must shape positively for myself. 

 

You wouldn't say a car's performance is shit just because it isn't painted the right color.  Your body is the vehicle you roll around in and yes, people do look at it.  But the performance is underneath the hood.   

 

Be a little easier on yourself.  Ok, a lot easier. 

 

Pep talk over.     

Accepting Your Exercise Limits

Welcome to the Overachievers Anonymous Gym.  Our membership is open to workaholics, the hyperresponsible, perfectionists, the competitive, and former teacher's pets. You may also qualify if you routinely push yourself too much, too hard, or for too long.

Or if you look at this picture and immediately get depressed

If you are starting a fitness routine or struggling with a medical situation, repeat after me:

I will be kind to my body. 
I will accept my limitations. 
I will start at the beginning.  

An out-of-shape or damaged body is a weak body and it takes very little to stress it out with intensive exercise. Whether you have a chronic disease, a physical limitation, or you're just overweight, your body will rebel if you ignore every warning sign that you're trying to do too much.

Trust me - put your overachieving ego aside and gracefully accept that you need to start at square one.  Yes, that can be a big pill to swallow, but your muscles, heart, and lungs will thank you.

Before I started being kind to myself, I was fighting with my body every time I tried to exercise.  Brisk walks, Tae Bo, heavy weights - all of it was frustrating me to tears and I would abandon movement all together. 

I didn't want to accept that my body was no longer the basketball-playing, tennis racket-welding, elliptical machine-happy, marching band junkie it used to be. 

Believe me, it's enormously difficult to accept that you have limitations.  But if you don't acknowledge the reality about your health or fitness level, you're only putting another stumbling block on your path.       

Whatever it is that you must accept about your body, identify it and come to peace with it.  It's OK if a certain type of exercise causes you pain or frustration.  Listen to your body or mind if it's telling you "I'm not ready for this."  

This doesn't mean you're giving up and it's not an excuse to just sit on the couch.  What you're doing is eliminating activities that aren't beneficial for you right now, this moment, under these circumstances.

For example, I love Tae Bo.  But 20 minutes in, I'm panting up a storm, getting frustrated that I can't keep up, and usually dissolve into tears.  One, that's super embarrassing.  Two, that's no way to work out.  So I've resigned myself that right now, at my current fitness level, this particular exercise isn't doing me any favors.  If I really want to pursue it, I need to buy a beginners DVD and start from there.     

Once you come to terms with the things you cannot do (remember - right now, at this moment), turn your mind toward things that you can do and that have a positive association.  Write a list out if you have to, but do it.       

I enjoy walking. 
I can do low weight, high repetition strength training. 
I like dancing to pop videos.
I'm able to go swimming.  

Now that you've identified your starting point, build from there.  The only way you can become the exercise machine vision in your head is to compassionately inch your body in that direction.

I know, I sound a little hippie-dippie and Mike is laughing in the background because I've been ignoring this advice from him for years.  But it's completely worth my time to find out what works for me since all previous attempts have been unsuccessful.    

So I'm slowly creating an exercise routine based on walking, light weights, dancing, and Pilates.  This isn't going to be some quick miracle transformation.  In the past two months, I've neither lost weight nor been exercising as much as I should.

But I have been exercising, every few days in fact, and that's something I wasn't doing at all before. 

I can't say enough good things about starting slow and gentle.  As I'm heading into March, my only goal is to take these Jennie-friendly exercises and keep things simple by only increasing the frequency and duration.  

Which exercises help to keep you in a groove?    

Confessions about My Weight

My history with body confidence is a checkered one.

As a kid, I was constantly underweight and this apparently caused concerned for my mother.  I was an active tomboy so I'm sure hours of running around the neighborhood was a factor.  I was simultaneously made fun of my chicken legs at school and praised for my svelte figure by relatives.  

In high school, I barely made it over 100 pound by the time I was 16.  I did basketball and tennis and loved gym class.  I ate like a wolf.  Despite being thin, I had acne so bad it was painful to wash my face.   

I constantly fretted about how I looked.  My hometown was pretty superficial and even in my church looks were important.  I never had confidence that I was attractive and it was easy to dismiss my looks compared to the popular pretty girls.

Mike came along and was most helpful in telling me otherwise, but it takes a long time to unwind long-standing behavior.

I filled out more in college and achieved what I consider a healthy weight for several years (150lb at 5'6").  I was confident, felt care-free about my body, and made efforts to dress it appealingly.

During grad school, I became less active and the scale started climbing.  My confidence began to slip.  Teaching completely destroyed any exercise plan and I officially became overweight. 

Now a year and half into a sedentary desk job, I am 191 pounds.  That's really embarrassing for me to admit, but I'm doing this publicly to move past being ashamed of my body.  

Yes, I used the word ashamed.  I feel self-conscious about the excess I carry, how clothing fits me poorly, and that I still have acne at 27. I deliberately dress in ways that cover my figure.

I was recently in a Victoria's Secret with a friend and thinking back on the days when I was a VS junkie (they don't carry a bra size that fits me anymore ... big boobs are not a blessing).  It dawned on me that it's been a long time since I bought something for myself.  Afterall, sometimes lingerie is for the wearer, not the viewer.

As we continued to shopped, I realized this wasn't just an issue of sexuality, it was a problem with body confidence in every aspect of my life.

In recent years, I have consciously denied myself anything that would draw attention to my body.  I have no fun tops for a night out on the top, no dresses that I would wear to a bar but not work, no outfit that makes me feel like a million bucks.


I've always been a believer that attractiveness radiates from within.  But I'm beginning to think that playing down the outside isn't a solution to body dissatisfaction.  

The crazy thing is, I would be horrified if one of my girlfriends confessed to me the same thoughts that I have about myself. 

Most people make a New Year's resolution to lose weight.  And while I'm certainly keen to see that number go down, I'm going to start working on my confidence.  I'm not sure how I'm going to reclaim it, but I need to work on.

My 10-year high school reunion is this fall.  I want to walk into that room and own it.  The last thing on my mind will be my body.  Let's see what I can do in 9 months! 

Do you struggle with your appearance?  How do you chase away negative thoughts?

A Sleep Study is Up Next

The next leg of my medical journey is underway.

I recently got all of my tests back for Cushing’s and Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.  Turns out it’s neither.  There is nothing wrong with me hormonally.  Apparently the original spike in cortisol was just a fluke – leftover stress from the workday or nervousness from getting blood drawn perhaps.

The doctor then suggested I be tested for sleep apnea.  Apparently years of not getting enough sleep and routinely depriving one’s brain of oxygen can result in a number of the non-specific symptoms I have.

I was pissed.

Don’t get me wrong – this is good news.  No one wants a screwed up endocrine system.  And I can hazily see how sleep apnea might contribute to how I feel.  It’s also very easy to detect, treat, and manage.

That being said, I felt letdown.  Angry, in fact.

While I didn’t want to have it, Cushing’s put a face to my situation.  A bunch of checkmarks next to a list of vague symptoms that have been accumulating in recent years.  It gave me validation that something is indeed wrong with my body.

Now that validation has been taken away.  I’m left with some very grumpy feelings:

·         What if there's nothing actually wrong?

·         What if I just suck at losing weight?

·         What if this is the way my adult body looks and feesl like?

·         What if this is as good as it get?

I am not confident they will find sleep apnea, and even if they do, that rhinoplasty or a breathing machine is going to make me feel loads better and enable me to become healthy.

I feel imprisoned by my body.  It conspires against my wishes to be a fit human being.  It makes me grimace when I look in the mirror or go buy clothes.  It is filled with unending muscle pain that is just low enough to not take an aspirin but high enough to not ignore.  It forces me to be dependent on high levels of water to function.  It makes me feel weak, tired, endlessly hungry, and dejected.

I used to take my health for granted.  I’m perfectly aware that my current weight is the result of too much stress, poor eating habits, and little exercise. 

The issue is that it won’t let me change.

I value change very much.  I believe you can change yourself, for better or worse.  Your life is in your hands – you control the outcome.

But my health is not within my direct control.  I reduce my calories by an acceptable level and it results in energy crashes.  I do light exercise, such as walking or biking for 30 minutes, and my hips and legs are angry for days.  I now have a good balance with stress and ensure “me time” is built into my routine.

These changes have amounted to very little.  The scale is approaching 200 pounds and I cannot stop it.  I am ashamed of this. 

This past weekend, a good friend and I sat complaining about our looks, circling the same frustrations we have been voicing for years.

In many ways, I’ve come to realize that placing an exaggerated emphasis on the way someone’s body looks is juvenile, not just unhealthy.  There’s something immature about making looks a discussion point.

I am very guilty of thinking this way.  I grew up in a very judgmental environment that placed great emphasis on fitting in and looking right.  While I never bought this attitude enough to change who I was, the message did sink in enough to cause insecurity and doubt.

Feeling like I am judged based on my appearance.  That my looks overshadow all the other accomplishments in my life.  That I should be nervous of what people will say when I go to my high school reunion a year from now or when I visit family who I haven’t seen in a while.

It is still something I’m working on.  I hate that I am so very cognizant of how stupid this mindset is and yet can do little to repel it.

Graduate degree, feminist, career woman supportive of everyone else’s body but her own, the headline would read.    

I wondered today, however, how much of this sick attitude of feeling like I’m just a blob of flesh might be induced or influenced by how my body actually feels.  What would my outlook be if my pain was reduced, if I had more energy, if I didn’t feel so limited physically?  Would I be so down on myself if I didn’t feel so down physically?

I don’t know.  I certainly hope so.

Sleep test is in two weekends, not sure when I get to discuss the results.  Guess we’ll go from there.

The Scale Lies

So my monthly weight loss update is a wee bit behind.  Regrettably, there’s not much to report.

I was so excited in January because I’d lost 5 pounds and worked my fat percentage down.

February came through and was a bust.  I continued my walking and occasional Tae Bo/Biggest Loser routine to no avail and very aggravated arches.  Not only did I gain weight, but I climbed back up to my original starting point for both weight and fat. 

Hello Square One, you ugly jerk.

This level has continued through the beginning of March until I hopped on the scale this morning.

I magically lost 20 pounds since Monday!  I must be on a cocaine diet and not know it!

Clearly the scale needs a new battery.  Le sigh.

I had so hoped by my birthday (in twoish weeks) that I’d have lost 10 pounds.  I thought that was a modest goal for 3 months.  Last year, I did water aerobics for a semester and lost 10 pounds.  I thought I could replicate the same result.  Clearly not.  

Interestingly, I found my fitness journal from that time while cleaning.  While I may have lost weight, you know what?  The fat percentage was the same as it is now. Which means I only lost water weight, not “real weight.”

In a way, this makes me feel better that I haven’t been completely wasting my time these past months or sucking at getting healthy.  It just means it’s going to be harder than I thought. 

Can I blame the birth control now?

Anyways, I’ve decided to just put the scale away (for the time being).  Even weighing myself once a week was too much.  I’d fuss over it and not look forward to weigh ins.  I can’t fathom how people do that every day.

In the meantime, I’m going to continue walking, doing Tae Bo, weight lifting, and waiting for our bikes to arrive.  I also purchased a foot brace/arch support thing to wear at night, which has been giving me some relief.

I think with warmer weather, getting healthy should be easier.  I'll be able to bike, use our apartment’s outdoor pool, and go hiking.  Trying to shed pounds when your body is in hibernation mode is difficult, though I’m glad I’ve been making the effort.

January Weight Loss Update

So I'm one of those lame people who set a New Year's resolution to be more healthy and lose weight.  And all on the cheap too.

January's progress: Total lost 6.5 pounds, net loss 4.5 pounds.

Why the discrepancy?  Because I gained 2 pounds the first week, possibly leftovers from the holidays or perhaps muscle/bone mass.  Either way, just trying to keep it real.

I also have one of those scales that tracks your water and fat percentage.  I made the fat percentage go down 2% and water up 1.5%.  

I have achieved this using the following:

• 30 minute laps inside my office building during lunch breaks (2-3x a week)
• 35 minute cardio DVD workouts (1-2x a week)
• Mindful eating, such as snacks, more fruits/veggies, and less second helpings
• Journaling progress reports once a week

So far, I'm averaging about 2-2.5 hours of exercise a week.  Modest, really, but a nice starting point.  Something to serve as a foundation.  A strong baseline.

What's great about all of this is that it's free.  It doesn't cost me anything to walk around the office (and several other ladies do as well).  All of my workout DVDs were purchased years ago (sadly).  Journaling takes but a little time and the energy spent for the light to be on (or have the computer on for blogging).

The greatest cost struggle is food.  Eating healthy is expensive.  Yes, there are ways to make it more affordable and it's all about the long-term investment.  But there's no getting around that even the addition of fresh fruits and veggies will be noticeable when you're in the checkout line.

Google makes eating healthy look so pretty

So it's all about the meal planning.  Right before payday, I sit down for about an hour and sift through cookbooks and recipes to plan out our meals for the next two weeks.  Now, this isn't some crazy menu that has to be adhered to strictly. But it does help one think about cooking healthy by deliberately planning to do so.

It's also enormously helpful to know you only need X pounds of chicken or X containers of cottage cheese to last a pay period but that's another blog post entirely.

For me in particular, because Mike will eat anything, meal planning helps me choose fruits and veggies to pair with meals.  I know we are having pasta on Monday therefore a salad is a good choice.  Or this meal of meatloaf would go great with roasted potatoes.  Or this egg dish would go nicely with mandarin oranges.

We tend to gravitate toward these modestly priced items: frozen fruit chunks, frozen veggies (particularly the steamer ones, and yes, I have environmental concerns about the packaging), canned mandarin oranges, roma tomatoes, canned tomatoes and Rotel, kiwis, sweet potatoes, canned pumpkin, and bagged salads (when on sale).

Not at all what our grocery list looks like but wouldn't it be nice.  Flowers are good.

But I'm a list person (you can almost hear Mike nodding vigorously).  I'm very linear in this respect, so this technique works for me.  I fully acknowledge that it would drive others bat shit. 

Journaling is also about lists.  I record for each day what I've done for exercise, just a simple activity + time.  I then list any struggles I've encountered.  Lastly, I make goals for the week, just one or two.  Eat more veggies.  Do one more day of exercise.  Go a little longer at Tae Bo without wanting to strangle Billy Blanks.  That may sound like a lot, but it takes up about one page, honestly.

Lists are my forte, they keep me on track.  I'm also visual, so it's a nice record of how I'm doing and where I want to be.

I was talking to a friend about wanting to have a better marker for health progress than just a scale.  Ultimately, I want to feel better, not look better (though I won't turn that down).  She suggested a pain snapshot, like a before-and-after without the embarrassment.

After a month of exercising, improvements are small but hopeful.  I find I'm a wee bit more flexible when stretching.  I started out at 10 laps per 30 minutes, now I can do the same 10 in 27 minutes.  I can get through 15 more minutes of Tae Bo than when I first started (and lots less swearing).  I let Mike join me for Tae Bo this week, which was an immense confidence booster because even he was huffing and puffing (love you dear). 

I still find that my back and shoulders hold the same amount of tension.  My plantar fasciitis (a arch/heel problem) is definitely aggravated from the additional activity.  Tae Bo is tough on the knees too.  My clothes still fit the same.

This all means that I simply have more to go.  Progress is good, but keeping tabs on what  can still be improved is also helpful. 

February will simply be more of doing the same.  I have two Biggest Loser DVDs that I haven't touched yet so I'm hoping to incorporate those.  I plan on doing more "double days," where I walk during lunch and then come home and do an additional workout.  Eating more fruits/veggies or sneaking them into dishes will continue to be a (winnable) battle.  I should also add weight lifting / resistance training here and there. 

Overall, I feel confident about what I've accomplished, but also more motivated to keep this going.  When you frame your health in dollar signs, it's a big kick in the butt. 

Question of the Day: What have you done recently to improve your health?

2011 Financial Goals (pt 2 of 2)

Ok, first of, sorry for the lengthy delay between posts.  It's hard to be at work for 8 hours reading and writing and want to devote any time at night to the same thing :)

So a while back I did a post detailing part of our financial goals for 2011.  The second part to our goals is focusing on my health, particularly lowering my weight.

It may not appear that weight loss has much to do with one's bank account, but it has everything to do with one's future financial stability.  This is an investment so the Me-Down-the-Road won't develop diabetes, heart problems, high blood pressure, and a host of other things that cost money.  Crude, perhaps, to frame one's health in the context of the almighty dollar, but it's no secret that people can become financially crippled from medical bills.  

Anyways, the last couple of years I've done a lot of talking and thinking about getting healthy.  But given my fluctuating work schedule coupled with high levels of stress, I could never get the ball rolling.  Sometimes you have too many things in your life competing for your energy.  I made the call to let work and keeping us financially afloat take precedence over my health.


So at the beginning of last year, I decided to make 2010 the year of me.  I was subjecting myself to the mercy of an adjunct system that was never designed to or could ever accommodate steady work, I had had terrible troubles getting a PhD application out the door due to depression, and was suffering from overload in all senses of the word.

It was time for things to change.  Once I got my rejection letter (which, side note, I think was maybe a good thing ... I don't fuss over it at least ...), I set up 4 very specific goals:

• Find a stable income 
• Move out of the area
• Decrease stress, which was dependent on the first two
• Lose weight, which was dependent on all three

I achieved all three within the first six months of the year, and did manage to trim a little by taking a water aerobics class.  Once we moved, it took a long time to adjust from academia to publishing and weight loss got lost in the shuffle.  I did take advantage of the bike trail near our home for evening walks and started getting in lunch walks downtown during the summer and fall.  Once winter set in, goodbye maintaining weight and hello going up a few belt notches. 

I really do feel that sometimes, you just have to clear out space in your life to improve your health.  It's like tackling a messy room.  You can clean it and move things around so it looks like you've got space.  But that's a big difference from cleaning and actually moving things out.  I feel like I've purged a lot of negativity from my life and now I'm left with this one battlefield left to tackle.

I was reading a blog on fat activism and body acceptance the other day. Something the author put her finger on really perked up my ears: 

Forgot about how you look, but how you feel.  

So many people emphasize the aesthetics of their body over how it actually works for them.  They want to look a certain way or be a particular size. But what about how their body functions?

This is the mantra I want to focus on, not my looks.  However I feel when I look in the mirror, it pales in comparison to how painful my body feels.  I am 5'6" and in the mid-180s.  My body aches from the extra weight, I don't remember the last time my shoulders and back didn't hurt, I have plantar fasciitis that will not heal, and I find asthma pops up during high-intensity cardio.

Aside from minimizing future medical costs, there's also the present toll on my wardrobe. 

 
It's kind of hard to see from the picture, but that is 104L container of clothes that are too small.  This has been added to for several years now and represents hundreds of dollars.  I would have a fantastic professional wardrobe if I could use these.

At this point, I refuse to buy anymore clothing at my current size, which ranges from a 16-18.  That's officially plus size, which in my mind = unhealthy.  There's also no point in purchasing clothes at a size that isn't sustainable, that I don't intend to keep for long, and that might encourage me to keep being complacent.

On the upside, most of these clothes are only a size or two away.  I have no illusions of being a skinny as I was in high school.  I want to be a figure 8, something reminiscent of Hollywood glamor girls of the 30s and 40s.

But the important thing is for the function.  I want to be that crazy couple that goes on hiking trips, goes canoeing, plays basketball or tennis.  Mike is a runner, and it would be great to do that together.  Or even to remotely have a compatible fitness level.

I feel confident that with this frame of reference, I'll be able to really make an impact this time.  My current plan is to start out small:

• Walk during my lunch breaks.  I get an hour, and 10 laps around the office is 30 minutes.
• Use my workout DVDs several times a week: Tae Bo, Stripaerobics, and Biggest Loser.
• Take advantage of the mall for additional walking
• Do weightlifting with my medicine ball, resistance bands, and weights.

I contemplated taking classes, signing up for a gym membership, participating in a weight loss program, or purchasing quality exercise equipment.  But at the end of the day, those cost more than we had room for in the budget.  So I'll stick with what I have available that's free :)



Here's to a body in motion for 2011!  


Question of the Day: What are your health or fitness goals for the next year?